I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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