We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
