her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize