I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
