Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
