Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
