I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
