I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i came on her dog
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
