Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
