a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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