Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Someone came in the potted fern
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
