he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
