i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
