White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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