I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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