yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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