Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
