Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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