Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
