i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
