so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i dont even know how to be here
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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