I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize