OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
