remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Pants are for mortals
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
