Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
