i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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