saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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