Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
