he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
