I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
