I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
