I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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