I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
