my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
