My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
