last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She announced her abortion via fbk
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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