Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
