I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
