onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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