Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize