My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
