Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize