totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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