____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
