he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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