I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
