WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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