the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
