If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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