He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
