I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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