if i can run in heels then i can drive
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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