i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
