I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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