I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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