you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
