i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
