After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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